Prank Humor In Brightwood

Editors note: Several characters, all of whom shall remain nameless, contributed to this tale of high jinks and horseplay.

Birdie McInnes walks into a bar, but it’s not just any bar. It’s the Brightwood Tavern along the old Barlow Road on the north bank of the Sandy River, tucked away where the forest reclaims the past, but is somehow preserved in the shadows of tall firs and cedars. The town became an afterthought when U.S. Highway 26 relocated on the south side of the river.

The tavern is a low-slung fortress of heavy, hand-hewn logs, weathered to a deep charcoal gray, with small, squinting windows. Even at midday the interior of the dark, dank pub remains perpetual twilight. Inside, the air is thick with the permanent haze of cigarette smoke baked into the very grain of the logs and the sticky varnish of the bar top.

Birdie, probably on one of his Bike Oregon tours, spots a jukebox and peruses his options. The selections are what you might expect in the backwoods of Oregon, mostly country-western, but with a couple of outliers by The Grateful Dead. The jukebox offers three plays for a dollar, and Birdie has seven dollars. He decides to select 21 plays of Casey Jones. Then, he orders his food to go and waits.

The first play of "Driving that train, high on cocaine," raises a few eyebrows in the joint. After the third play, one of the patrons announces: "That song is longer than I remember it." On the song's seventh play, another guy who looks like he had just been paroled for domestic violence, says: "Goddammit!"

But on the eighth play, Birdie, being the clevel lad he is, had chosen the B side of the disc: Sugar Magnolia. But on the eighth play, it was back to "Driving that train, high on cocaine...." The disgrunted patron grabs a pool cue, likely to use as a weapon, while Birdie quietly exits out the front door with his food as the bartender walks over and unplugs the jukebox.

Trail Dog

Hello, there. My name is Leia, as in Princess Leia Organa from Star Wars. I'd like to share why life as a trail dog is simply the best. It's a ruff job, but someone has to do it. As a trail dog, we live entirely in the moment. When I see you, my heart can wag even faster than my tail.

I don't worry about yesterday's squirrel chase or tomorrow bath, I just focus on the sheer joy of right now. Trail dogs are the masters of unconditional love. You could wear mismatched shoes and sing off-key and I would still look at you like you hung the moon. I specialize in boosting morale with a wet nose and a cheerful bark.

I can remind you that life is about the simple pleasures: a perfectly thrown tennis ball, the smell of rain on the sidewalk, a sunbeam slicing across the living room rug. These things are pure magic to me. I can find joy in a chewed up frisbee for at least 20 minutes. Plus, I have a built-in and ready-made excuse for everything.

It's a dog thing. Ate the last slice of pizzeria? Dog thing. Left white fur on a black couch? Dog thing. Slept through the alarm. Definitely a dog thing. So as you ponder your complex thoughts, remember the best way to live is with a happy tail and a heart full of love.

Mio Fratello

Happy birthday to my beloved brother, Robert Emile Cargni-Mitchell. Born on February 18, 1954, Robert passed away on or about May 1, 2023. We're not sure of the exact date because, much like Savannah Guthrie's mother, Nancy, Robert disappeared for a fortnight on the streets of Philadelphia. However, unlike Nancy Guthrie, Robert was not a public figure.

When Robert disappeared in late April 2023, the family went to work, calling police and hospitals throughout Philadelphia. When I complained to the police detective on the case that the process was moving too slowly, he asked: "Do you know how many people go missing every single day in this city?" "Dozens," I was told by the detective. "We can't keep up.".

Apparently, people go missing every day of the year, leading to gut-wrenching pain for families everywhere. In most cases, a missing loved one is only newsworthy to those who matter -- their families, No, Robert wasn't related to a famous celebrity, but the pain and suffering for his family was nonetheless real. Was his disappearance newsworthy? It was for his family.

Objects In Mirror Closer Than They Appear

The phrase "May you live in interesting times" is an idiom (often called a "Chinese curse") that was popularized by Robert F. Kennedy in a 1966 speech to describe turbulent times as fraught with danger but full of opportunity. That turn of phrase certainly fits in this Gonzo PR "year in review" for 2025. In January, the year began with a rough patch of road when Moxie, our beloved English Creme Golden Retriever, suffered abuse prompted by neglect at the hands of a local groomer, We Suds 'Em.

When Moxie turned 13 years old on January 8, she was happy and healthy until we took her for a grooming session at  We Suds 'Em, a local canine grooming facility that we had used for decades. The attendants were well aware of the need for extra care and tenderness when grooming senior dogs. Despite their assurances, they failed to provide a safe place to dry, such as putting her in a kennel. Instead, they put her in a choke chain that resulted in severe bruising on her neck.

Moxie's terrified look and persistent cough told us that something was wrong, so we took her to Westmoreland Animal Hospital. Dr. B. checked her neck area and told us:"Moxie has been choked." She shaved her neck area, revealing black and blue marks and prescribed anti-inflammatory medication. Apparently, the groomer utilized a noose to keep her in place until we picked her up (we live five blocks away). Incensed, we developed talking points for further discussion.

We immediately called the groomer, who denied wrongdoing and referred us to the owner, who refused to accept responsibility for Moxie's injuries and offered video evidence of Moxie while she was on the grooming table. "We have video cameras trained on all of our grooming tables," the manager noted. He offered to meet us at a coffee shop to review the video footage. What he didn't say was that once the dogs are off the tables, they are no longer under video surveillance.

In an email to the manager, I responded thusly: "Yesterday, the groomer called and, instead of offering an explanation for the injury or even sympathy and concern, she assumed a defensive posture, commenting that Moxie had increasingly become a liability (this is the first we had heard anything like that in 13 years) and even accused Moxie of contaminating a co-worker with ringworm. At that point, we recalled that the groomer seemed quite tense and anxious when we picked up Moxie."

"Something did happen to Moxie at We Suds ‘Em on February 17. Regarding the groomer's suggestion that Moxie is a liability, we don’t understand why the business didn’t reach out to us on this issue sooner, and why are we learning about this just now? The burden of responsibility for making the decision whether to groom is on the business. The groomer could have told us at any time that grooming Moxie no longer makes business sense. That decision is on you guys."

"As you know, we have been clients of We Suds ‘Em for decades and have invested in your business loyally in grooming our dogs over many years. We’re just trying to understand your lack of transparency concerning what happened at the appointment. The point of our contact is to figure out exactly what happened, receive an apology, and solicit a promise to do better for all the older dogs out there who you might be grooming in the future. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks."

The owner's response was less than satisfactory:"Pet safety is our highest priority at We Suds 'Em. After reviewing the video footage twice from the second Moxi (sic) entered our facility until the second she left, I am confident that Moxi received the highest quality of care and did not encounter anything 'traumatic' or sustain any injuries while in our care. We believe in 100 per cent transparency and would be more than happy to arrange a time to review the camera footage."

At this point, it was clear the owner had no intention to admit that Moxie had been placed in a noose, nor offer an apology or promise to do better when grooming senior dogs. The next few weeks were pure hell, as Moxie began to both lose her appetite and control of her bowels. Her persistent cough grew worse, and family members shared shifts to provide hospice care. One thing about goldens: they hide their pain to the very end. Moxie would pass away on March 21, the first day of spring.

Our next message to the owner would be our last: "While acknowledging your sympathy for our devastating loss, we must decline your offer to review your video footage. As we discussed, the footage is not inclusive of Moxie’s complete session. It would be a fruitless and painful exercise. We know that Moxie’s injury resulted from her trip to We Suds ‘Em. Therefore, our business here is concluded. I will now be obliged to summon the Rancor and release the Kraken."

The last comment was a not-so-subtle reference to turning the kids loose on Reddit, Google Reviews and other social media platforms. Retribution was swift: "Your performative grief and self-congratulatory resume cannot obscure the undeniable truth: a dog died after sustaining injuries while in your care. By the way, her name was Moxie, not “Moxi.” That you couldn’t be bothered to get that right, not once, but repeatedly, says more than any of your long-winded statements."

"No one has accused you of intentional harm, but Moxie was hurt under your care. Instead of reflection, you’ve chosen self-defense, victimhood, and an embarrassing amount of self-gratification to distract from the issue at hand. You've spent more time talking about yourself than you have about what actually happened. Your tone throughout has been one of denial and blame-shifting. You chose reputation over reflection. Moxie is gone. Not from old age. From trauma."

Feedback was immediate and abundant on a variety of digital platforms, with numerous posts coming from current customers of We Suds 'Em. Here is but one example: "The lack of accountability this business is taking after their 'services' led to a dog’s death is despicable. Thank god nothing happened to my dog the time I brought her there. I will never use their service again and I would caution anyone who cares about their dog to find another groomer. DO BETTER."

Because Moxie's passing came just before the start of spring break, the entire family took a road trip in late March to an Airbnb rental on the Washougal River in Washington. The facility, known as Three Waterfalls Lodge, was the perfect setting for a week of rest, repose and recollection. The wilderness retreat, built by a prominent Portland judge, provided a relaxing venue for the family to reflect on our loss and plan for a summer of extensive travel in the U.S. and Europe.

After spring break, it was back to school in my role as professional advisor for the University of Oregon chapter of the Public Relations Student Society of America and board member of PRSA Oregon. In April, UO PRSSA organized the well received "Meet The PRos," with recent SOJC graduates returning to campus to provide valuable insights for students as they prepare to enter the job market, In May, our group organized another stimulating professional development tour in Portland.

In June, we took a road trip to the Owl Conservatory, our wilderness retreat in the North Cascades. Anticipating another vicious fire season, we thinned much of the dead Douglas fir and lodgepole pine decimated by the western pine beetle infestation that pervades the upper Wenatchee River Valley on the eastern slopes of the North Cascades. The effort was prescient because fire season began early this year. Campfires would be banned from the Fourth of July until October 15.

With much of the North Cascades wilderness bottled up so early in the season to deter major forest fires, we pivoted to plan a course of action to follow the monk's trail from Bavaria through the Alps into Italy and specifically, the Italian Riviera. The junket took us to Munich first for a week, followed by a train ride though Brenner Pass in the heart of the Alps to Bolzano in South Tyrol. After a week in Bolzano, we hopped another train bound for Vernona, Milan, Torino and Genoa.

In Munich, we enjoyed the cultural delights available in the city's center, and explored the Englischer Garten and other nearby landmarks, including the castles (Newschwanstein, above) built by King Ludwig II. In Bolzano, a highlight was the centerpiece of the six Reinhold Messner Mountain Museums in South Tyrol. Moving on to Genoa, we took the boat cruise to Portofino (below) and visited our Italian cousins in Isolona. We saw many old and new friends all along the way.

We took other trips for the remainder of the summer, including excursions to the Midwest, Las Vegas and St. George, Utah. Unfortunately, all the air travel led to a bout with the most recent variant of COVID in September. But in October, it was back to the Owl Conservatory to clean up a selective cut of dead lodgepole pine and Douglas fir, roll up all the hoses and and winterize the Owl Conservatory for the season.

By fall, the UO chapter of the Public Relations Student Society of America was back in action, and in my role as professional advisor for the group, we made another excursion to Portland for a professional development tour. This time, we visited Gard Communications, a full-service creative, digital and public relations agency, and Wieden and Kennedy, an independent and global agency that has developed advertising for some of the world's most iconic brands, including Nike and Starbucks.

In December, I was invited to participate in the 25th Annual Authors & Artists Fair at the Lane County Fairgrounds to promote my books -- Bird of Paradox: The Seasoning of Birdie McInnes and Wilderness Strangers: Adventures in Shangri-La. Also in December, we traveled north to select an English Creme Golden Retriever from a certified breeder in Rainier, Washington. A few weeks later, we picked her up. Her name is Leia, and as you might expect, she's a sweetheart,

A Puppy For Christmas

Nothing brings joy to a family like a new puppy. But this is no Hallmark movie. Six months after losing Moxie, our beloved golden retriever (below, as a puppy herself), we traveled to Rainier. Washington to meet a breeder and select our new pup. Introducing Leia (above, as in Princess Leia from Star Wars), our new golden retriever. We pick her up December 21. Life is simply too short and unfulfilled without the love of a dog.

From Snow To Ash

Having worked for the U.S. Forest Service in college and now owning property adjacent to the Glacier Peak Wilderness area in the North Cascades, it's become increasingly clear that climate change has severely increased wildfire incidents while limiting backcountry access over the past decade. Backcountry recreational opportunities have slowed to a trickle during prime time due to longer and more severe wildfire seasons.

This fire season, by far the worst in the past 10 years, wildfire activity started prematurely with the Pomas Fire on Entiat Ridge near Lake Wenatchee, burning more than 3,000 acres in the Glacier Peak Wilderness Area. The lightning-caused fire, first reported in June, immediately closed the Chiwawa River Road for the remainder of the season, blocking access to some of the most spectacular wilderness country in Washington.

By July 4, as campfires were banned throughout Chelan County, backcountry access became severely limited. Then, in September, lightning storms sparked more wildfires of major significance in the Wenatchee Valley, such as the Lower Sugarloaf Fire (above, as seen from Leavenworth), the Labor Mountain Fire and the Wildcat fire, producing unhealthy air quality throuough the rest if the season.

While individual fires used to be the norm 20 years ago, overall trends in wildfire today are consistent with climate change projections and what can be expected in the future. Furthermore, climate change will play a role in the frequency, size and severity of wildfires in the Northwest. Until we started taking climate change seriously, backcountry recreation opportunities will become just a fond memory.

Random Reflections

To say that international travel has changed in the last five years would be an understatement. What hasn't changed, however, is how challenging the "travel" part of international travel can be. On our first leg to Germany, we weathered a kooky airplane ride. Due to a lightning storm in Denver and a lack of sufficient air traffic controllers, we completed several loop de loops through Montana, Utah and Wyoming before landing.

Despite the delay, we were in no danger of missing our connecting flight to Munich. In fact, the plane was less than half full, so we had room to spread out. Arriving in Munich mid-afternoon, we picked up our bags and headed to ground transportation, where numerous cabs awaited. We immediately hit rush hour traffic, leading to a 130 euro cab fare. The frustrated cabbie literally scoffed at my 10 euro tip.

Aside from the numerous cultural opportunities when traveling to Europe, visitors also have a plethora of culinary options available. In Munich, we dined at several delightful spots, including the Augustiner-Keller and the Snitzelwirt, where bratwurst, wiener schnitzel and jagerschnitzel were featured dishes. My favorite was the jagerschnitel (pork cutlets with rich mushroom gravy) and spaetzel on the menu.

While we had experienced both Munich and Genoa in years past, we had never been to Bolzano (above, through one of the canterbury windows of Firmian Castle at the Messner Mountain Museum, below) in the South Tyrol province of Italy before. This delightful city in the Dolomites is the capital of South Tyrol, and with a population of approximately 108,000, is about the size as Bend, Oregon or Yakima, Washington.

Our primary objective in Bolzano, in addition to viewing the Dolomites, was to visit Firmian, the centerpiece of Reinhold Messner's six mountain museums scattered throughout South Tyrol. Firmian features a self-guided tour thet "explores the relationship between humans and mountains from spiritual, economic, philosophical and cultural perspectives. Architecture, art and natural form a compelling narrative.

While the first leg of our European train ride from Munich to Bolzano took a mere five hours, the next leg to Genoa was a somewhat grueling 10 hours, with frequent whistle stops along the way through Verona, Milan and Turin and many smaller towns. Finally arrived at Genova Brignole and hastily adjourned to our berth at the Hotel Genova Liberty near Porto Antico, the old port where our family had departed Italy in 1912.

While in Genoa, we visited Portofino, the exquisite fishing-village-cum-tourist-trap with colorful pastel houses, chic boutiques and seafood restaurants aplenty huddled around the town piazzetta (little piazza). We dined on 75 euro plates of sumptuous shrimp cocktails at the Ristorante Delfino with gorgeous views of the harbor while admiring the "testa di moro (below)" traditional Sicilian vases made in Positano.

Our final mission on this European adventure was to travel to the hinterlands of Liguria to visit our cousins, the Sanguinetis. We are indebted to our trusty cab driver-cum-interpreter Andreas Giovanelli who not only guided us into the far reaches of the Ligurian foothills but also produced and directed a top-notch video about our experiences.