Back By Popular Demand

Due to the impending return of Herr Gropenfuhrer and his evil minions as they denigrate and defile democracy and the U.S. Constitution, GonzoPR has resurrected one of its more popular series, Rude Notes From The Field. That's right, folks. As editorial director located in Eugene, Oregon, I have summoned our crack team of reporters based in North America, Europe and Asia to provide incisive satire and brutal pasquinade in reporting on what is shaping up to be a strange and terrible saga.

Providing frequent dispatches on the sorry state of democracy in this country will be Helmut Vallindaklopf, covering North and South America from his basement apartment in Georgetown, his twin sister Ramona Vallindaklopf, reporting on Europe and Africa from her base in Genoa, Italy, and Wolfgang Majoris, who will be tracking events in Greater Asia and Australia from his office in Bangkok, Thailand. Stay tuned for a savage journey into that elusive illusion known as the American Dream.

Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride

Admittedly, Tuesday, November 5 was a tough day for many, including me. Mine started with trepidation, like waiting for the expected announcement of the results of a biopsy. When the polls closed in the West, I flashed back to 2016 and felt that same, undeniable sense of dread. I remembered, however, in that instance, the outcome was a coldcock, an ambush.

 

This time, I truly believed the seemingly endless and relentless onslaught of fear and loathing prompted by a would-be tyrant with a cult following might finally abate. Sadly, it will not. Instead, the American electorate has chosen someone who holds the most fundamental values and traditions of our democracy, our Constitution, even our military, in contempt. 

 

Silly me. I was operating on the false assumption that Americans possess above average intelligence. Woefully wrong on that count. Instead of electing the first woman as president, voters have chosen the first convicted felon as president. If a critical mass isn't bothered by his transgressions, those who were hoodwinked will witness a sad transformation. 

 

Many voters possess no reasoning skills to differentiate reality from fantasy, confused by information segmentation and sheer welter of media disinformation. As a result, many subscribe to a false narrative. The minorities and those on the economic fringe who fell prey to the pitch will come to regret their bad choices. Most don’t know it yet. Joke's on them.

These same voters have either unwittingly, or worse, knowingly struck a Faustian bargain with demonic forces. The deal is tragic because they have given up something more valuable than what they receive. Imagine a “thank you” letter sent to selected voters: “Thank you for your contribution and your vote. This letter will also serve as your deportation notice….”

 

Turning off the television knowing that Kamala would not prevail, my stomach took over, issuing that familiar telltale sign, a harbinger of what was to come. In my lifetime, I have well learned that my stomach is the bellwether for a bout of severe stress. The stomach cramping intensified, exacerbating intense back pain from spinal fusion surgery a few years ago.

 

With very little sleep that night, the misery of an upset stomach persisted into Wednesday. Meanwhile, the sun rose in the east as always, and the day began. A hot tub was in order. Then I started thinking: What would the late Hunter S. Thompson say about this depraved and decadent descent into the netherworld? He left plenty of clues addressing this sorry state of affairs.

"No sympathy for the devil. Keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it up to forced consciousness expansion." And then there's this gem: "In a closed society where everybody is guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only sin is stupidity."

 

The next four years will be a savage journey into the heart of the American Dream, a harsh, often destructive exploration of the darker side of the American ideal, highlighting the contradictions and excesses that can arise from pursuing wealth, success and freedom at any cost. I sense there’s more fear and loathing on the immediate horizon.

 

But I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow the election results to despoil my golden years. I will concentrate on what’s really important to me: my family and friends, and especially my granddaughters. Yesterday, I picked up both girls from school, and the two bickered the whole way over this and that. Then my Zen enveloped me like a cloud.

I was filled with a warm, comforting feeling in my soul, and I found inner peace and tranquility in the uproariously chaotic moment. “These are my people,” I pondered, “They shall be my focus. They shall be my reward going forward.” I will severely limit or ignore the pointless chatter and embrace what makes me happiest by concentrating on the people I love.

I will continue to spend as much time in nature as possible, pursue my art and service projects and follow the University of Oregon Ducks as they join the Big 10 Conference. I will remain stoic and continue to fight the good fight for our civil liberties, speaking out whenever necessary. In other words, I will forego my final year of eligibility and turn professional.