Cradle Of Western Civilization

Next up: we hear from Ramona Vallindaklopf, the GonzoPR correspondent covering Europe, the Middle East and Africa. She’s the twin sister of Helmut Vallindaklopf, who ranges the Americas for GonzoPR, though you’d never guess that they're twins.

Ramona is dark and half-crazed, olive-skinned and outspoken like an Italian partisan, while Helmut is fair-skinned, blonde and rather subdued. The pair are fraternal twins; he says she’s his evil twin. She says the opposite. They’re both right.

JM: Finally caught up with Ramona from her stunning berth high atop the Hotel Columbo in Genoa, Italy. “Hear you’re on your way to Copenhagen, Denmark, Ramona."

RV: “Well, not now, after reports emerged that Herr Gropenfuhrer was interested in buying Greenland, the Danish prime minister called the notion “absurd.” The putz retaliated, calling her “nasty” and scrapped a state visit. Pisses me off too; I had planned to tour the Carlsberg factory after the G7 Conference in Biarritz, France.”

JM: “Well, yes, Herr Gropenfuhrer does have a tendency to step into his own shit, doesn’t he?”

RV: “He can’t help it. Contrary to what he and his minions say, climate change is frighteningly real. Witness the disappearing coastal island in Louisiana, and record heat everywhere.”

JM: “Don’t forget Greenland, where it’s being documented that glacial recession is proceeding at record pace. ‘Who cares,’ says the demented despot, ‘Scientific facts hinder my objectives of making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Science. Who needs it?’”

RV: “Perhaps he’s hoping to build a resort and golf course in Nuuk after Greenland melts.”

JM: “Well, if so, he might want to construct on higher ground. Proceeding around the horn from Europe, what’s happening in the Middle East?”

RV: “The same thing that’s been happening there for millennia: the Holy War between the sultans and the saints. While the Muslims continue to battle the Christians in places like Syria, Afghanistan and other spots in the Middle East, not to mention the rest of the world, Herr Gropenfuhrer has targeted ground zero of the sultan’s forces in Iran. He’s playing a dangerous game of cat and mouse, and he risks having his underwear pulled over his head.”

JM: "To be sure. And as if to add to his delusion of grandeur in Israel, didn’t he declare himself as “the chosen one” and proclaim himself the “King of Israel?”

RV: “Yes. Ironically, real Christians, not fakes who claim allegiance to Herr Gropenfuhrer, believe that the only true King of Israel is God. It’s quite blasphemous really. Messianic claims are dangerous because God doesn’t share glory with anyone. In the New Testament, when King Herod, the ruler of Judea, was called “God,” he took credit. God’s response? He sent an angel to kill Herod.”

JM: “Dangerous territory indeed. He is truly a loathsome miscreant. In a recent rant on the White House lawn, Herr Gropenfuhrer said he’d like to give himself the Medal of Honor.”

RV: “Politically, he’s only a candidate for the Darwin Award.”

JM: “And what’s out of Africa?”

RV: “More of the same from the Trump-described “shithole” countries. Those who aren’t attempting to float their way across the Mediterranean in rafts are trying to milk rich Americans out of the nest eggs in the states through offers of cash from their deceased father, the king of some obscure country in Central Africa.”

JM: “It’s a grim picture indeed. I think I need a vacation.”

RV: “Come on over, JM. We can meet in Casablanca at Rick’s Café Americain and lament that “we’ll always have Paris.”

JM: “Great, Ramona. Keep an eye out toward the back of the bar. I'll be incognito. We’ll have an editorial meeting and plan to locate Herr Gropenfuhrer’s letters of transit to political obscurity.”