Prank Humor In Brightwood

Editors note: Several characters, all of whom shall remain nameless, and therefore shameless, contributed to this tale of high jinks, horseplay and shenanigans in rural Americana.

Birdie McInnes walks into a bar, but it’s not just any bar. It’s the Brightwood Tavern along the old Barlow Road on the north bank of the Sandy River, tucked away where the forest reclaims the past, but is somehow preserved in the shadows of tall firs and cedars. The town became an afterthought when U.S. Highway 26 relocated on the south side of the river.

The tavern is a low-slung fortress of heavy, hand-hewn logs, weathered to a deep charcoal gray, with small, squinting windows. Even at midday the interior of the dark, dank pub remains perpetual twilight. Inside, the air is thick with the permanent haze of cigarette smoke baked into the very grain of the logs and the sticky varnish of the bar top.

Birdie, en route to Timberline Lodge for a climb up Mt. Hood's south side, spots a jukebox and peruses his options. The selections are what you might expect in the backwoods of Oregon, mostly country-western, but with a couple of outliers by The Grateful Dead. The jukebox offers three plays for a dollar, and Birdie has seven dollars. He decides to select 21 plays of Casey Jones. Then, he orders his food to go and waits.

The first play of "Driving that train, high on cocaine," raises a few eyebrows in the joint. After the third play, one of the patrons announces: "That song is longer than I remember it." On the song's seventh play, another guy who looks like he had just been paroled for domestic violence, says: "Goddammit!"

But on the eighth play, Birdie, being the clever lad he is, had chosen the B side of the disc: Sugar Magnolia. But on the eighth play, it was back to "Driving that train, high on cocaine...." The disgrunted patron grabs a pool cue, likely to use as a weapon, while Birdie quietly exits out the front door with his food as the bartender walks over and unplugs the jukebox.

Year Of Karma

Is it fate, kismet or just an interesting coincidence that GonzoPR's annual year-in-review marks the 500th blog post since initiating this forum in 2008? According to astrologers, numerologists and those in touch with the ethereal plane, 2024 translates into a year of karma because of its association with the number 8. Karma, of course, can be both good and bad, and we've certainly had plenty of both over the past 12 months.

January's post featured some of my best photography for 2023, including shots of the second blue moon in August, a rare event known as a lunar perigee, or supermoon, taken with my Canon EOS 60D utilizing a 70-200 millimeter zoom lens to catch the full moon at its closest point to the Earth. Another favorite was my shot of UO PRSSA on its first professional development tour in Seattle (below) since before the pandemic.

As winter morphed into spring, we witnessed the waning months of the Pac-12 Conference, a collection of west coast institutions of higher learning that had been conference members since 1916. Blame Big TV and a feeble NCAA for its demise. We also suffered the loss of a beloved colleague at the UO School of Journalism and Communication, Ralph "Pete" Peterson, one of many part time instructors in "the bullpen."

In April, the Aldo Leopold Society gathered at the Owl Conservatory for a reunion of former wilderness rangers and trail dogs. In May, we celebrated the publication of my second memoir, Wilderness Strangers: Adventures in Shangri-la with a reading and discussion at Tsunami Books in Eugene attended by more than 50 friends and former colleagues and students from my days as a public relations practitioner and educator.

Also in May, those of us near the 45th parallel had the good fortune to observe the northern lights due to unusual solar storms. In late May, I joined UO PRSSA for another professional development tour in Seattle, where we had the opportunity to visit Starbucks Headquarter, the Seattle Kraken hockey team, Edelman Public Relations, The Fearey Group and Raffetto Herman Strategic Public Relations

As spring waned, we said good-bye to my college chum, fellow newspaper reporter and public relations practitioner, Jeff Foreman. "Mr. Duke," as I called him, weathered Parkison's supranucear palsy with great patience and good humor. He was a fighter. We continued to meet to consummate our annual bet on Duck football, usually at Bier Stein. Jeff’s mind and wit remained as sharp as ever. He was a friend indeed.

Prior to the summer solstice, we concluded our labyrinthine

journey through the complex and torturous process of securing the contents of our brother's storage locker in Portland's Pearl District following his passing in May, 2023 after a brief illness. Later in the summer, lightning strikes ignited forest fires uncomfortably close to the Owl Conservatory. State and federal firefighters quelled the blaze quickly.

As autumn began, I attended professional gatherings in my role on the PRSA Oregon board of directors: the PRSA CommCon held annually in Portland, and the PRSA Leadership Assembly in Anaheim, California during the PRSA International Conference. It was refreshing to reconnect with longtime colleagues (above) from near and far, along with students from the UO Chaper of the Public Relations Student Society of America (below).

In November, karma took a stark turn as Americans inexplicably elected a convicted felon as president, spawning the return of a popular series known as Rude Notes From The Field, an unfiltered review of the fear and loathing coming from this savage journey into the heart of the American Dream, where GonzoPR's far flung team of crackerjack reporters will skewer the Pointless Man and his demonic minions. Stay tuned.

Back By Popular Demand

Due to the impending return of Herr Gropenfuhrer and his evil minions as they denigrate and defile democracy and the U.S. Constitution, GonzoPR has resurrected one of its more popular series, Rude Notes From The Field. That's right, folks. As editorial director located in Eugene, Oregon, I have summoned our crack team of reporters based in North America, Europe and Asia to provide incisive satire and brutal pasquinade in reporting on what is shaping up to be a strange and terrible saga.

Providing frequent dispatches on the sorry state of democracy in this country will be Helmut Vallindaklopf, covering North and South America from his basement apartment in Georgetown, his twin sister Ramona Vallindaklopf, reporting on Europe and Africa from her base in Genoa, Italy, and Wolfgang Majoris, who will be tracking events in Greater Asia and Australia from his office in Bangkok, Thailand. Stay tuned for a savage journey into that elusive illusion known as the American Dream.

Down The Rabbit Hole

When our beloved brother and uncle, Robert Cargni-Mitchell, vanished about this time last year, the family was naturally concerned. A film archivist in Philadelphia, he had also been primary caregiver for wife, Elaine, for two decades. Having informed his family that he had contracted COVID-19, we assumed he had checked himself into a local hospital. Missing for 10 days, Robert was eventually found dead at home.

His passing initiated a yearlong effort to reclaim his belongings from a storage locker located in the Pearl District in downtown Portland. He had maintained the locker for nearly 40 years as he continued to live and work in Philadelphia. The circuitous journey in reclaiming his belongings resembled a trip down the rabbit hole in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, the children's novel written by Lewis Carroll.

My sister managed the project at first, keeping up on Robert's monthly payment schedule while she worked with management of the storage facility, along with the State of Pennsylvania and the State of Oregon, in obtaining legal access and rights to the contents of the locker. After six months of getting the runaround in our attempt to legally obtain rights to our brother's belongings, it was time to "get creative."

After halting payments on the locker, I assumed management of project and began negotiating with the storage facility. Informed that, per Oregon law, delinquent storage accounts require monthly attempts to "contact the owner" for 120 days before taking any action, I explained to the manager that "the owner is deceased." He nonetheless replied they must follow due process before submitting the contents to auction.

For the next four months, we played a "cat and mouse" game of pursuit and evasion with management and employees of the storage facility. I explained that, as immediate family, we should have sole access to the contents of the locker. Meanwhile, I boned up on auction websites and bookmarked the specific site used by the storage facility. I also assured management in no uncertain terms: "I will win the bid."

Researching the auction site for similarly-sized storage units, it appeared most successful bids were about $50. "This might be cheaper than I thought," I speculated. As the auction date approached, I prepared my strategy. It was simple, really. Win at all costs and monitor the website relentlessly as the deadline ticked down to 0:00. The day before the auction, the storage facility called with a surprising proposal.

"Turns out we can't auction your brother's belongings because it's all personal documents," said the manager. "By law, we can only auction consumer goods, not personal stuff. Our regional manager recalls your brother as a well respected film archivist in Philadelphia and theater manager in Portland. We will allow you to clean out the locker for $400 once you submit the required legal paperwork." "It's a deal," I replied.

Sending the required documents, including a death certificate and an affidavit of small estate, the foot-dragging continued. It was clear that communication amongst employees was a not a strong suit of this particular storage facility, and more vaudevillian antics and shenanigans ensued before they finally relented. "You have until the end of April to clean out your brother's locker," the manager noted.

I took three trips to Portland and back with our SUV and utility trailer, and we packed both the car and the trailer full to the gills. Contents included, among other things, thousands of books, hundreds of record albums and comic books, dozens of movie posters, and a plethora of photos and correspondence. "Curiouser and curiouser," thought Alice. "And what is the use of a book without pictures or conversations."

Along with signed biographies of Frank Zappa and R. Crumb and other oddities and curiosities, a key find was this illustration of the artist as a young man.

Robert Emile Cargni-Mitchell, beloved brother and uncle, was indeed a renaissance man.

Retro Revolution

Talk about strange bedfellows. When PRSA Oregon opposed a new governance proposal in 2017 to eliminate district representation on the national board, one of PRSA's fiercest opponents, Jack O'Dwyer, jumped on to the bandwagon. O'Dwyer has had a axe to grind with PRSA for years.

Some background: O'Dwyer, a longtime critic of PRSA, shared transcripts from the 1993 PRSA annual conference to criticize the speaker's ethics for promoting the use of advertising spent to influence editorials at major newspapers. The speaker subsequently sued O'Dwyer for copyright infringement.

In 1994, things really got ugly. When members wanted a copy of any PR-related document, including O'Dwyer's, they would call and it would be mailed to them for a fee. Jack got hot, claiming his own case of copyright infringement. O"Dwyer has been at odds with PRSA ever since.

So imagine our surprise when several of the PRSA Oregon leadership assembly delegates were quoted In O'Dwyer's as saying "hell, no" to proposals of the society's national board. Jack had even called several of us on our home phones for a quote. All refused. Then, it got worse.

"GonzoPR has cracked the PRSA Oregon website: In the city known for the Boston Tea Party and 'no taxation without representation,' PRSA will decide whether it should be a 'top down' or 'bottoms up' organization. Should leadership become highly centralized or grassroots?"

The by-law amendment to end district representation on the board failed, thanks to a diligent campaign by membership, and no thanks to Jack.

But just to be associated with someone who was so unsympathetic and hostile to an organization we hold in such high regard was, in a word, embarrassing.

Question Reality

"Question reality" was a popular slogan found on bumper stickers, typically positioned on the back of Volkswagen buses, back in the 60s. Popularized by hippie psychologist Timothy Leary, many have pointed out the fact that the phrase can be traced to the Greek philosophy Socrates.

The slogan focused on the counterculture movement, which opposed escalation of the Vietnam War, and supported the free speech and civil rights movements, Earth Day and other popular issues of the day. Later, a variation of that phrase on bumper stickers morphed into "question reality."

So it was interesting to participate in a Zoom session with students from the UO chapter of the Public Relations Student Society of America as they interviewed public relations and advertising professionals, all recent graduates, in a question and answer session recently.

The final question, as posed to the professionals in attendance by the moderator of the Zoom session, was this: "What have you been doing, other than work, to navigate through the pandemic." To a person, they all responded with "reality television" like "The Bachelor" and others.

My "reality television" has been the news: the daily pandemic numbers (and now vaccination numbers), the presidential election and most recently, the impeachment trial. As I heard the professionals respond to the question, I couldn't help but think that the 24-hour news cycle provides plenty of reality.

There is, of course a certain paradox in the defense team for a reality-show president complaining about the use of visual images in the impeachment trial that  the longtime star of "Celebrity Apprentice" could appreciate. Perhaps it's just a case of "live by the sword, die by the sword."

End Of The Line

And so, it has come to this. After a year like no other, 2020 will settle into the history books as a bizarre chapter, with a global pandemic raging, a contentious presidential election process coming to a close, and an ignominious ending to the toxic presidency of a would-be autocrat.

Yes, Herr Gropenfuhrer has succeeded in provoking conspiracy theorists and thugs into an unspeakable attack on the U.S. Capitol building, killing five people, as senators and representatives were in the process of confirming the election of President-elect Joseph R. Biden of Delaware.

But really, when the brain trust here at the Gonzo PR blog discussed the past year, it led to an analysis of the entire reign of an ill-mannered and autocratic president, an inept, uneducated and malevolent individual. Naturally, the question came up: who didn't see this coming?

Fortunately, the coronavirus pandemic has spurred numerous vaccines developed in record time to immunize the populace (the mumps vaccine took four years to develop). Now the other toxin, Herr Gropenfuhrer, will have been removed. There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

So as we gather to provide some final analysis, I've invited the Gonzo PR correspondents from around the globe: Helmut Vallindaklopf in Washington, D.C. Wolfgang Majoris in Bangkok, Thailand and Ramona Vallindaklopf in Genoa, Italy to share their final perspectives.

JM: "The history of the U.S. is rife with episodes of political violence far bloodier and more destructive than the one Herr Gropenfuhrer incited last week, but it was nonetheless horrid as thousands of protesters -- domestic terrorists, really -- swarmed the Capitol. Helmut, you were on the scene."

HV: "Yes, as Congress was ready to conduct a largely ceremonial count of the electoral votes, radical protesters stormed the U.S. Capitol like it was the Bastille. It heralded the death knell for the rule of Herr Gropenfuhrer. Indeed, he has now been impeached twice."

WM: "People here in Southeast Asia and other countries around the world watched in shock and disgust. But in China, the Communist government is using the outburst to attack democracy, proving that the U.S. style of government is a failure. They are having a field day with the news."

RV: "Last week's unprecedented breach of the U.S. Capitol by a mob of ardent Trump supporters has drawn stunned dismay from the leaders of Europe. Trump should accept the results of the election and stop the efforts to trample democracy, said German Chancellor Angela Merkel."

JM: "Thanks, team. Soon, we'll undoubtedly hear that now is the time for compromise and bipartisan efforts. That argument is wrong. Now that the Democrats control the White House, the U.S. House of Representatives and the Senate, it's time for real action to reclaim the soul of America."

JM: "There should be no compromise with politicians who have allowed such a violent incursion into the heart of the country, resulting in deaths, countless injuries and irreparable damage to the country, both domestically and internationally. Stay tuned, folks, there's more to come."

Darkness, Darkness

"Worst year ever," proclaimed one headline. "We're losing more than we know," read another. How would you describe 2020? I've asked the team of correspondents here at the GonzoPR blog to describe what they've missed in the last 12 months, and what they thought was good about 2020.

JM: "Let's query our intrepid reporters around the globe: Helmut Vallindaklopf based in his Connecticut Avenue basement bungalow in Washington, D.C., followed by his sister Ramona Vallindaklopf based iin Genoa, Italy and finally, Wolfgang Majoris based iin Bangkok, Thailand. Helmut?"

HV: "Thanks, JM. What have I missed? I definitely long to head back out into the wilderness instead of remaining cooped up in this dingy basement apartment covering the escapades of Herr Gropenfuhrer as he has lied and pillaged as the erstwhile president."

HV: "What was good? Seeing voters turn out in record numbers to assure that he will not remain at the helm of America in the most critical time of dealing with the coronavirus pandemic and restoring order amidst the chaos he has wrought. Over to you, Ramona."

RV: "Thanks, Helmut. What have I missed? In a word: travel. Don't get me wrong, I love Genoa, but we've be under lockdown for nearly a year, and I long to travel to Switzerland and many other destinations. What was good? Realizing how much we have and how little we need. Wolf?"

WM: "What have I missed over the past year? Mostly, seeing my family, other than on Zoom or reasonable facsimile. What was good? When the dust settles, we'll realize how much we have, how little we need and the true value of human connection. How about you, JM?"

JM: "I think the human connection is what I miss the most. Despite everything, we did not give up, and a virus for the pandemic has been developed. We've found new levels of resiliency and resolve, and the future looks bright as we leave the Year of the Pig for the Year of the Ox.

Hindsight Is 2020

Pianist Tom Lehrer released an album entitled "That Was The Year That Was," a live recording containing satiric topical songs covering the news in 1965. The popularity of his songs outlasted their subjects. "Always predict the worst and you'll be hailed as a prophet," he noted.

As predicted in the Chinese zodiac, the "Year of the Rat" (2020) has been one for the books. The coronavirus has become an international pandemic, killing more that 250,000 Americans and over one million others worldwide. At this writing, over 60 million humans have been contaminated.

A cousin in Isolona, Liguria in Northern Italy notes: "We are in very bad shape with the infection, and the hospitals are full. This wave is worse that the first. Let's hope this bad period ends soon. We must have faith in science. Blessings to you and your family. We shall stay in touch."

A friend who lives nearby in Rapollo, Liguria describes a grim situation: "here, things are falling apart. Contagions increase exponentially and we continue with lockdowns. What is worrisome is that the winter is too long to hope that the emergency can be stopped soon. I hope you are all well."

Meanwhile, we have been obliged to face an election year like no other, pitting a wannabe autocrat with no experience, along with his minions, against a veteran politician with years of experience in the U.S. Senate and eight years as Vice-President of the United States.

Herr Gropenfuhrer, as he's come to be known in the GonzoPR blog, certainly has his fans nationally, but the sitting president has show little interest in exhibiting signs of leadership or resolve to address the coronavirus pandemic facing the country.

But good news is on the horizon. As we move into 2021, the "Year of the Ox," signs are evident that we're rounding the curve. On November 3, former Vice-President Joe Biden decisively defeated Herr Gropenfuhrer in the election for President of the United States for the next four years.

Meanwhile, Herr Gropenfuhrer continues to challenge the results, a defeated despot barricaded in his bunker like Charles Foster Kane in Citizen Kane, sequestered at Xanadu, his dilapidated pleasure palace. He needs to just recognize that Joe Biden winning is actually the best outcome for him.

And there are other signs of hope on the horizon to address the health and welfare if the world as well. At least three pharmaceutical companies have developed vaccines to address the international pandemic with an anticipated rollout December and the first quarter of 2021.

On a positive note, 2020 has turned out to be a productive year for many associated with the GonzoPR enterprise. Because of lockdowns and social distancing required by the pandemic, writers, artists and creatives of all types have focused on their projects and have produced stellar works.

In terms of home improvement projects, we've been able to accomplish quite a bit during this past year of lockdowns and social distancing: new flooring for the home, a new roof for the little hut (below) at the Owl Conservancy and time to complete a number of writing projects and yard maintenance.

Finally, the nation has spoken about removing the toxic enterprise occupying the White House. The president-elect is the perfect individual to lower the temperature in this country and, most importantly, concentrating on a cure for the deadly coronavirus sweeping the world.

The End Is Nigh

As one nightmare concludes with the election of Joe Biden as the 46th President of the United States, the coronavirus continues to rage in a year that can only be characterized as unprecedented. Consequently, GonzoPR will revisit and review this past week with its team of correspondents.

Now that the election is over, it's time to gather perspectives from Helmut Vallindaklopf in Washington D.C., Ramona Vallindaklopf in Genoa, Italy and Wolfgang Majoris in Bangkok, Thailand for reports on how people from around the world view what has transpired here in the USA.

What does it matter? Since 2016, Herr Gropenfuhrer has dominated American politics. At times, he seemed to possess magical powers, winning the presidency despite an aversion for the usual rules, yet maintaining an approval rating even as he was impeached and presided over a pandemic.

JM: "In the end, Trump didn't have magical powers after all; he instead became only the fourth elected president in the past century to lose re-election after Herbert Hoover, Jimmy Carter and George H.W. Bush. Helmut, what is the mood as viewed from your bunker on Connecticut Avenue?

HV: "Well, clearly, some in this country expected more of Donald Trump, yet many others were not fooled. A majority of Americans basically told Herr Gropenfuhrer: "you're fired!" He's had all this time to ruin democracy on his way out the door and this is the best he can come up with?"

JM: "Yes, but unfortunately, he has refused to concede and is promoting a grand conspiracy blathering about lawsuits while cheered on by his entitled children and his personal lawyer and witch doctor, Rudy Giuliani. Ramona, how are the people viewing the election from your side of the Atlantic?

RV: "Clearly, most everyone is relieved. The diplomats I have been speaking to are looking forward to an American president who will treat them as allies instead of adversaries, while Vladimir Putin of Russia seems to be preparing for a more acrimonious relationship with the United States."

JM: "Yet, Herr Gropenfuhrer has still not conceded. Wolf, how's the view in the Far East, particularly China?"

WM: "Chinese President Xi Jinping has yet to formally congratulate Biden on beating Trump, and Beijing has indicated that it doesn't plan on doing so as long as Trump continues to dispute the election results, so we'll have to wait and see.

JM: "Well, I guess that should come as no surprise. Maybe he thinks that Trump matches up with many of the other fine dictators in the world, like Putin. But his claims to the throne are weak and pathetic, and he will ultimately go down. Stay tuned and we'll gather again in the near future."

Somewhere In Time

The past four years, and particularly the last 12 months, have been among the strangest of a lifetime: the coronavirus, the spate of violence leading to Black Lives Matter, and global warming resulting in devastating wildfires and deadly hurricanes. Truly, we have entered the Bizzaro World.

Climate change is occurring at an unprecedented rate, punctuated with massive wildfires in the West and an ungodly number of hurricanes, not to mention the resulting loss and life and property. How can we wait for action from a government refusing to acknowledge that science is real?

Now, we have the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, a liberal legal icon, right before the most important election of a generation. The efforts to draft a new justice, Amy Coney Barrett, before the election takes place on November 3 will occur. It's not a question of if as when the vote will happen.

Further, The New York Times has information on the current president's federal income taxes, showing that he paid zero income tax for 10 of the past 14 years because of massive losses. In 2016 and 2017, he paid only $750 each year. Apparently, he has been fraudulent for years.

For his entire life, Herr Gropenfuhrer has stayed one step ahead of disaster, applying his gift for keeping reality in check. He has concocted his own odd reality -- about success and his virility, while skirting imbroglios with ex-wives and other women, and more that would be much too long to list here.

Then, we have the first presidential debate, which was more like a schoolyard scrum than a serious discussion of the issues and policy decisions that will help guide this country in these times of increasing division amongst its citizens. We will need a concerted effort by leaders of principle to move forward.

Now, our erstwhile president has the coronavirus after a number of ill-advised appearances that has contaminated many more within the circle of White House staffers. His contracting the disease he dismissed as a threat is an irony of Sophoclean proportions that he can no longer spin away.

The collective reasoning here at GonzoPR was: "Could this be a hoax, too?" With any other president, this question would not be reasonable nor expected. But now, under this president, it is indeed perfectly understandable to see why some might think we can never be sure.

As editorial director of the GonzoPR blog, and in consultation with other members of the editorial board, Helmut Vallindaklopf, Ramona Vallindaklopf, and Wolfgang Majoris, we have unanimously agreed that a response to the maddening chaos must be made.

But how do we respond when the crises have reached fever pitch? What can we, as individuals -- as citizens of the United States -- do in such a situation. There's only one answer really: vote. Vote like your life depends on it, And believe me, it does. Voting will be our only option to escape where we have been -- Bizzaro World.

Pandemic Pandemonium

Hunter S. Thompson once said: "I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours." That theory seems to be quite true. The New York Times reported that the Sinclair Broadcast Group recently published an interview with a conspiracy theorist claiming that Dr. Anthony Fauci created the coronavirus using monkey cells.

Sinclair, which operates about 200 television stations, has also downplayed the severity of the virus. Fox News has repeatedly run segments downplaying the severity of the illness and promoting ideas that scientists consider false. So, I've called in our team of correspondents here at the Gonzo PR blog to discuss the issue.

We have Helmut Vallindaklopf at his Connecticut Avenue bunker in Washington, D.C., Ramona Vallindaklopf at her bases at the Hotel Columbo in Genoa, Italy, and Wolfgang Majoris in Bangkok, Thailand. My question is: "Why is the U.S. enduring a far more severe outbreak than any other country in the world."

HV: "Well, you know, this isn't the first time the U.S. Has witnessed a pandemic: You had the Spanish flu outbreak more than a century ago, and before that it was smallpox, and you can go back far enough to the Middle Ages when the black plague was wreaking havoc throughout the known world."

RV: "Yes, my brother, even an epidemiologist from a previous age by the name of Dr. Thomas Tuttle prescribed face masks and social distancing to slow the influenza pandemic. He made a lot of enemies, but it worked. Incredibly, he looked a lot like Dr. Anthony Fauci."

WM: "Meanwhile, you have a group of doctors claiming that makes were unnecessary and that the drug hydroxychloroquine cured the virus according to Breitbart news. The problem is the size and strength of right wing organizations who propagate such nonsense." JM: "Right you are, Wolf. We will gather again soon."

The Politics Of Complacency

As the coronavirus persists and the nominating conventions (such as they will be) approach, it's time to gather the team together for a discussion about world events: Helmut Vallidaklopf in Washington, D.C., Ramona Vallindaklopf in Genoa, Italy and Wolfgang Majoris in Bangkok, Thailand. My questions are these: how can most of the Republican party be so complacent? In other words, what gives?

Let's start with Helmut, who is holed up in his basement bunker on Connecticut Avenue in D.C.

JM: "Helmut, what causes people to abandon their principles in support of a corrupt regime? And how do they find their way back? How do you explain what's going on at the White House?"

HV: "That's quite a bit to absorb, but I'll give it a shot. As a wordsmith yourself, you know that the word 'collaborator' has a double meaning. A colleague can be described as a collaborator in a neutral or positive sense. But the other definition of collaborator, relevant with Herr Gropenfuhrer, one who is working with the enemy. In this negative sense, collaborator is closely related to another set of words: collusion, complicity and compliance, such as the Vichy government during WWII."


JM: "Of course, you mean that, at its base, the meaning of collaborator carries an implication of treason: betrayal of one's nation, of one's ideology, of one's morality, of one's values. Very much like Herr Gropenfuhrer is selling out this country and other democracies of the world, including Europe. We now turn to Ramona Vallindaklopf in Genoa for her report of European affairs as they relate to the U.S."

RV: "Well American passports are worthless right now. America is not united anymore and is barely a state. They have crashed right through failed state into a plague state, unwelcome across the world. Americans have gone from having access to most of the world to being banned from most of it. Today, Americans are only allowed in the Caribbean and the Balkans. An American passport is meaningless, Worse, it's a plague. We certainly don't want them in Italy."

JM: "In the absence of a humane government, America is now ruled by COVID-19. Welcome to the Plague States of America. The Republican senators who are willing to discuss their disgust with Herr Gropenfuhrer off the record, but voted in February for him to remain in office, all indulge in a variation of this sentiment. We now turn to Wolfgang Majoris, our correspondent in Thailand."



WM: "Clearly, China does not fear the United States. In fact, they're making their own inroads with Iran and other countries that are not sympathetic to the Americans. And, of course, Herr Gropenfuhrer is in Putin's pocket. Perhaps the only antidote is time. In due course, historians will write the story of our era and draw lessons from it."

JM "Indeed. We will see more clearly the path that led the U.S., and specially the White House, into a historic loss of international influence and economic chaos since the years leading up to the Civil War. Well, that's all for now. I'll be checking in with you all after the conventions, and we'll chat more."

The Tipping Point

Indeed, here in the United States, we are at a critical juncture in our history. It has the distinctive flavor of the "end times," with the coronavirus pandemic and more recently, the brutal murder of George Floyd by crazed police officers, one primary suspect and three accomplices, in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Here at the GonzoPR blog, we have never shied away from commenting on such situations. As such, I've called in our team of correspondents from their bases from around various parts of the globe: Helmut Vallindaklopf in Washington D.C., Ramona Vallindaklopf in Genoa, Italy and Wolfgang Majoris in Bangkok, Thailand.

JM: "Today, I'm going to ask you each for a statement, and then you follow with a question, starting with Helmut, who is in the middle of all this from his basement bungalow on Connecticut Avenue."

HV: "My statement? It's clear the U.S. has been downgraded from leading democracy to flawed democracy as seen by countries worldwide. My question? Has it ever been more painfully obvious that we need economic policies that lift up working families and narrow the gap between the richest and poorest of Americans?"

RV: "My statement is that we are indeed at a tipping point in our society, most recently with the brutal murder of George Floyd. We've been exposed by Herr Gropenfuhrer for everybody to see that we are weak, even though he talks tough. He's a bully, plain and simple. My question is: has it ever been more apparent that we need a strong social safety net to protect the most vulnerable among us and lend a hand to those in need?"

WM: "My statement is that here in Southeast Asia, even China considers him as a gift in diminishing the role of the U.S. in world politics. Observers around the world concur: Trump has changed the image of this country in ways no one could have predicted. My question? Has it ever been more apparent that we must stem the tide of racism and police brutality in this country?"

JM: "All points to consider in preparing to vote in 2020. Even fascists like Hitler and Mussolini built important structures like the Autobahn in Germany and the Olympic Stadium in Rome, Italy. Herr Gropenfuhrer has failed to finish the one thing he promised: a wall. All eligible voters must vote their conscience, of course. But we must oust the scoundrel in November for the common good."

Covidious Conundrum

As promised in Corona, Corona, it's time to put the band back together to address a number of subjects related to the coronavirus.

We'll have team coverage featuring Helmut Vallindaklopf in Washington, D.C., Ramona Vallindaklopf in Genoa, Italy and Wolfgang Majoris in Bangkok, Thailand.

JM: "Helmut, let's start with you. You're at the ground level of this pandemic crisis, literally as well as figuratively, in your basement apartment on Connecticut Avenue."

HV: "True, JM. Herr Gropenfuhrer has claimed he was being sarcastic when he suggested the idea of injecting disinfectant. Tens of thousands of Americans die, and what does he do? He spreads bad information, reinvents history, concocts weird science and challenges anybody who questions his authority."

RV: "That is correct, brother. However bad things are here in Italy, it's hard not to feel sorry for Americans. The country he promised to make great again has never seemed so pitiful. Over the years, the U.S. has stirred a wide range of emotions, but never pity. They are stuck with a malignant narcissist."

WM: "Today, the lies are no longer about the size of his audience, or the fruits of sucking up to Korea and China. The bill has come due for his contempt of truth and competence. The U.S. has reacted like a country with shoddy infrastructure and a dysfunctional government whose leaders are too corrupt or stupid to avert mass suffering."

JM: "Some interesting perspectives here, to be sure. Herr Gropenfuhrer appears to be a master magician. He's lucky. But, it's a funny thing about luck; it eventually runs out. In any event, it will be a long time before America is great again. What a pity. We will reconvene our team as the conventions draw near."

Corona, Corona

More rude notes from the field: Here at the GonzoPR blog, we take our news seriously. We believe the coronavirus has become pandemic. As such, I made a quick call to Ramona Vallindaklopf, our valued correspondent currently holed up in the Hotel Columbo.

JM: "Ramona, Italy has been shut down, for all intents and purposes. Further, we seem to be getting conflicting reports from those in positions of authority. What can you tell us?" 

RV: "It's true, JM. This is very serious. I was talking to friends nearby in the hill country. They say: 'We are in a bad situation. The coronavirus surrounds us. At this moment, police are inviting us to not leave our houses. Of course, we live up here in the woods. Hopefully, we will be okay as long as we stay put.'"

JM: "Thanks, Ramona. Let's plan on another call soon and we'll bring in Wolfgang Majoris in Bangkok, Thailand and your beloved twin brother, Helmut Vallindaklopf, in Washington, D.C.