Bizarro World is a fictional planet from my years reading Superman comics in the early 1960s. Introduced as a cube-shaped world, home to Bizarro Superman, who is bad, and Bizarro Joker, who is good, and other anomalies, the planet is weirdly inverted.
Welcome to the United States of 2019, where the bizarre has become commonplace, thanks to Herr Gropenfuhrer, Moscow Mitch and their odd band of pirates and dingbats. Today, up is down, science is bunk, good is bad, and democracy is an authoritarian oligarchy.
These are desperate times, people. Desperate times call for desperate measures. As such, I conducted a conference call with all three correspondents for the GonzoPR blog: Helmut Vallindaklopf, Wolfgang Majoris and Ramona Vallindaklopf.
JM: “Greetings, staff. Thank you for joining me at this odd time of the day. I know it’s late in Genoa, working hours in Eugene, and not yet dawn in Bangkok. So, I really appreciate your participation.”
RV: “Well, sure, JM. It’s well past cocktail your here, so I apologize in advance if I sound a tad vulgar.”
HV: “Wish it was cocktail hour here in D.C., sis. I suppose it’s close to 5 p.m., so that will be my excuse.”
WM: “Hey, I haven’t even had my tea here in the empire of the sun. I must get a pot going.”
JM: “I think we can all assume that it’s going to get weirder for Herr Gropenfuhrer before Election 2020, right? What can you report from your underground lair on Connecticut Avenue, Helmut?”
HV: “Uh, you forgot a few things for your litany of paradox, JM. For one thing, truth has become lies. The pattern is clear, and the tactics have become painfully obvious. The First Amendment is under attack. Truth is not negotiable.”
JM: “And what of ‘Sharpiegate,' Helmut?”
HV: “Indeed, another example of distorted truth from Bizarro World. Herr Gropenfuhrer fancies himself a meteorologist. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s drop a nuclear bomb on that hurricane. We’ll show that storm who is boss.”
RV: “And don’t forget about another key message from Bizarro World. Friends are enemies and enemies are friends. What’s-his-name wants to be buddies with the Taliban all of a sudden, while Denmark, Germany and other European allies are persona non grata?”
WM: “Yes, Ramona, and don’t forget his pal Kim Jong-Un is exalted by Herr Gropenfuhrer, while Japan and South Korea say: ‘what?’”
JM: “Truly bizarre. We can’t stop fighting now. This is bat country. We must resist and retaliate.”
WM: “Indeed. Freedom is something that dies unless it’s used. We must rally the troops and oust that imbecile from office.”
JM “Yes, we must vote, and pray to God but row away from the rocks. Too early for cocktails in Bangkok, Wolf?”
WM: “As Helmut so eloquently stated, it’s 5 p.m. somewhere.”
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